How to be a good LUVER

In today’s blog, I thought I would teach you how to be a good LUVER. And no, that’s not a misspelling. And before you get too excited, it’s not about THAT. It’s about how to listen to your partner in a way that creates more connection and harmony.

Let’s say your partner begins a story that clearly has them upset. This is a story that took place at work, and has them feeling hurt, misunderstood and angry.

First is L. That stands for lean in, listen, look, learn. When your partner (or your friend, or your child) is talking – lean in to what they are saying to you. Look at their eyes, their face, their body language as they are speaking. Let them see that you are taking them in.

U stands for understand. Listen to understand what they are saying – ask clarifying questions if you need to in order to really get the story they are telling and let them know they are being gotten.

V means validate. Let them know they have a right to their feelings. This shows that you support them and their big emotions. We do this by head nodding, offering a kind touch on a shoulder, and by saying “you have a right to your feelings.” It helps people know they are not crazy for feeling what they feel.

E is for empathize. Here we show that we understand their feelings as if they are our own. One way you can get better at validating emotions is to remember what that emotion feels like in you. Even if the thing they are describing would not have hurt you, made you feel misunderstood or angered you, you DO know what it feels like to be hurt, misunderstood or angered. Tap into those feelings, and you will be able to empathize with your partner as they are telling their story.

R stands for repeat. Repeat these actions until your beloved feels heard and supported.

And what about the F word? Many folks get distracted in their listening by jumping right to the F of Fixing. If you have ever tried to offer a helpful solution before your partner is ready, you have probably gotten some version of push back from them. If not in the moment, then probably at a later date. Unfortunately, fixing too soon in the process feels like invalidation, like you are trying to hurry them up and get done with the conversation or that you can’t tolerate their big emotions.

Sometimes all the fixing that needs to be done is a good session of being listened to. But here’s the thing – if you get through all of the LUVERing process – they may actually appreciate your practical solutions. They may be ready to receive the wisdom you have to offer. And there’s an easy way to discern if they are ready for this – it’s called asking. “Are

you open to a suggestion?” “I have an idea that might help – is this a good time?” or “What do you need from me right now?”

Like most advice on communication, you might be able to understand and even agree with the suggestions. If you find yourself having trouble putting these in to action, it could be helpful to get curious about what is getting in the way of this.

If you would like my help in improving your skills as a LUVER, please reach out to me for a consultation phone call.

LUVERing was taught by Drs Tim and Jennifer Nelson, Friends University Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s Program, circa 2008.