In today’s blog, I thought I would teach you how to be a good LUVER. And no, that’s not a misspelling. And before you get too excited, it’s not about THAT. It’s about how to listen to your partner in a way that creates more connection and harmony.

Let’s say your partner begins a story that clearly has them upset. This is a story that took place at work, and has them feeling hurt, misunderstood and angry.

First is L. That stands for lean in, listen, look, learn. When your partner (or your friend, or your child) is talking – lean in to what they are saying to you. Look at their eyes, their face, their body language as they are speaking. Let them see that you are taking them in.

U stands for understand. Listen to understand what they are saying – ask clarifying questions if you need to in order to really get the story they are telling and let them know they are being gotten.

V means validate. Let them know they have a right to their feelings. This shows that you support them and their big emotions. We do this by head nodding, offering a kind touch on a shoulder, and by saying “you have a right to your feelings.” It helps people know they are not crazy for feeling what they feel.

E is for empathize. Here we show that we understand their feelings as if they are our own. One way you can get better at validating emotions is to remember what that emotion feels like in you. Even if the thing they are describing would not have hurt you, made you feel misunderstood or angered you, you DO know what it feels like to be hurt, misunderstood or angered. Tap into those feelings, and you will be able to empathize with your partner as they are telling their story.

R stands for repeat. Repeat these actions until your beloved feels heard and supported.

And what about the F word? Many folks get distracted in their listening by jumping right to the F of Fixing. If you have ever tried to offer a helpful solution before your partner is ready, you have probably gotten some version of push back from them. If not in the moment, then probably at a later date. Unfortunately, fixing too soon in the process feels like invalidation, like you are trying to hurry them up and get done with the conversation or that you can’t tolerate their big emotions.

Sometimes all the fixing that needs to be done is a good session of being listened to. But here’s the thing – if you get through all of the LUVERing process – they may actually appreciate your practical solutions. They may be ready to receive the wisdom you have to offer. And there’s an easy way to discern if they are ready for this – it’s called asking. “Are you open to a suggestion?” “I have an idea that might help – is this a good time?” or “What do you need from me right now?”

Like most advice on communication, you might be able to understand and even agree with the suggestions. If you find yourself having trouble putting these in to action, it could be helpful to get curious about what is getting in the way of this.

If you would like my help in improving your skills as a LUVER, please reach out to me for a consultation phone call.

LUVERing was taught by Drs Tim and Jennifer Nelson, Friends University Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s Program, circa 2008.

Hi, I’m Lisa Lutz, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  I have been an individual and couples therapist for over fifteen years. I am in the business of helping folks improve their relationships with others and themselves. I started Couch Talk as a way to help demystify the process and to give a little window into the therapeutic world.

Sometimes couples come to me having never done any kind of therapy before. I always tell them that they must be brave, because for many, couples therapy can seem like the scariest of therapies. Many people secretly fear that they will be blamed for all of the problems in the relationship, or that the therapist will side with the other, or that sessions will just be one more place to argue and feel unseen and unheard.

Couch talk is meant to help you learn that good therapy is so much better than that. When you are in a supportive, warm environment, with a therapist who is trained in working with relationships, you will be guided through a process that helps you each approach your relational issues in a more productive way.

You might wonder how you will even start in couples therapy. I start my first couples therapy session with the questions “Why therapy?” And “Why now?” This gives us a place to jump in to the story and helps me to listen to what is real and present for you right now. It helps me to understand the struggle that brought you to couples therapy and how you have been dealing with this struggle. Typically, couples in distress are repeating the same argument, the same movements, over and over again. Most say things like “we are stuck in this perpetual cycle. Even if it gets good for a while, we find ourselves back here eventually.”

In that first session, I will also be listening for your strengths – I know you are more than the painful story that brought you here. Sometimes that is the story of how you first became a couple. It could also be the story of how you have overcome adversity together. These are all important aspects of the whole couple relationship.

These will be the building blocks of our work together. If this sounds like it could be helpful for you, please reach out for a consultation call. This call will involve both partners and will last about fifteen minutes.

Until next time,

Lisa

It is a brave step to admit your relationship has hit a rough patch, and it is often even harder to ask for professional help. However, couples therapy can be the essential catalyst to help you and your partner rediscover one another, heal from past wounds, and grow together.

As a dedicated therapist in Buffalo, NY, I have spent over a decade helping hundreds of couples find their way back to a deeper relationship rooted in connection, trust, and play. If you are wondering if it is time to reach out, here are the top five reasons my clients seek support:

1. Breaking the Cycle of Repetitive Arguments

   Many partners find themselves stuck in the “same argument” over and over again. Usually, one partner feels exhausted from bringing up the same issue, while the other feels constantly criticized or told they are “doing it wrong”. Professional couples therapy helps you get under the surface of these recurring conflicts to create meaningful change, ensuring your discussions foster connection rather than discord.

2. Getting Back on the Same Page

   It is common for couples to feel out of sync regarding major life pillars like parenting, extended family dynamics, intimacy, or finances. For example, one partner may value the freedom to spend, while the other is focused on saving for the future. Therapy provides a safe space to express yourselves and understand each other’s perspectives, helping you unite on a shared vision for the issues that matter most.

3. Navigating “BIG” Life Transitions

   When a “seismic” event occurs—such as a death in the family, a breach of trust, or navigating the needs of a child with special needs—it can be difficult to recover on your own. Often, friends and family are either too close to the situation or “sick of hearing about it,” leaving you feeling isolated. Couples therapy offers a non-judgmental environment to process the complex feelings that accompany these life-altering events.

4. Moving Out of the “Roommate Zone”

   Do you feel more like roommates than romantic partners? Many couples find they can communicate effectively about tasks—like “bread, milk, and soccer”—but have stopped sharing their deeper hopes, dreams, and fears. Therapy helps you uncover what is keeping you in the “roommate zone” and provides a clear path back toward intimacy and emotional connection.

5. Understanding the Impact of Your Upbringing

   Our early experiences and family histories deeply impact how we show up in our current relationships. You might wonder, “Why do I yell when I’m mad?” or “Why does my partner walk away in silence?”. By making meaningful connections with the past, you can create better, more conscious choices for your relationship today.

How Individual Therapy Supports Your Relationship

While working together as a couple is powerful, sometimes the most effective way to strengthen your bond is through individual therapy. This private, dedicated space allows you to explore your personal history and triggers without the pressure of a partner present.

Whether you are navigating a breach of trust or simply want to understand your own reactions better, individual therapy helps you show up as your healthiest self. By processing your own feelings and family-of-origin patterns, you gain the tools necessary to break negative cycles and foster a more resilient connection with your partner.

Start Your Healing Journey

If you and your partner are ready to move toward a more fulfilling future, I am here to help. I offer specialized couples therapy and individual therapy tailored to the unique needs of the Buffalo, NY community.